I do not know exactly how to define this golden age (Do people tend to say this, right?). I never thought for once this age would be a really mixed feeling, among happiness, sadness, loss, depression, and confusion. People are right when they say they have a mental breakdown and face a quarter life crisis phase at this age, in which I am today. According to Thorspecken (2005:121), the quarter life crisis is a period of stress, instability, and major life change. It happens when many young adults feel doubt about their future and feel like they are being trapped in their life choice. I do, people, I do.
It started when I graduated from college as a transformation between a silly teen to early adult becoming. A phase when I was still dependent on my parents to become a fully independent adult is not easy, especially when I just started off my career. I faced confusion, identity, frustration with the relationships (Let me broaden the word of relationship. I talk about the relationship in general, not specific in love terms, including a relationship with The Mighty God) and career, disappointment over something, insecurity towards the future. I was still thinking of “Do I really want this?”, “I could do better”, “I am in a mess”, “I am the worst” to “I hate myself”. It leads to creating self-blaming in me which is not a very good thing. Has this feeling disappeared yet? Of course not, until now, it is still lingering on me.
Last month on my birthday, I contemplated deeply about who I really am, and what I have done for the past years. All those thoughts about me could have been better if I did more is stressing me out. It got worse when I logged on Instagram, saw my friends' posts and IG story of them receiving a scholarship, traveling abroad, marrying, and having a good career while I was still struggling to even understand myself. It is unfair, my friends. Perhaps, it is enough reason for me to slowly leave Instagram for a better life (let me not exaggerate by saying “constantly leaving”. Going to return to share information which should be shared only). Living with jealousy is not healthy, and I do not want to suffer more.
This month is Eid, of course, we can not leave Eid without a killer question that I am religiously sure you all already knew without me mentioning it. Those people are not wrong though, we are. We are at fault if we think they are rude to ask that. It is just us who can not answer their question smartly in a sarcastic way. Pointed at myself, that’s me.
Every time I lay on my bed after working (Technically before taking a bath, stretching out my body for a second), I always think, literally I feel overly over thinking and let me not say about random stuff that pops out all of a sudden on my empty brain. I start questioning my purpose of life (when will I die; what happens to me after death? Is Julio's thought about nihilism would happen? *Julio is my Spanish friend who is willing to tell me about nihilism that I thought it does not make sense at all; Will I be in heaven after dying or my sins would drag me to hell?; Does God hate me because I create sins that much?). In a blink of an eye, my mind changes to “Why do my friends are so great? While me being a useless girl that whines too much on life because everything I do is creating a failure? Why am I this dumb? I could do better in life” et cetera, et cetera. Before it gets worse, I usually do something like watching a movie, listening to a podcast, listening to Islamic speech, or reading a blog/book. Currently, I am reading a book called “Filosofi Teras” by Henry Manampiring. Before, I finished a book by Isyana Artharini called “I am My Own Home” that mostly talked about a life crisis. I also read blogs from three different persons whom I adore, they write their own versions of being in twenty-something. Particularly, there are tonnes of people who proclaim this, not surprised though.
I hate being compared but I love doing something comparable between myself and my friends (Chef Renata's voice: That is not nice). I still remember when I was a kid, my parents tended to compare me with my cousins or friends at the same age. I hate it, right? But why do now I do this again? It is really hard to not say that we are happy with our friends’ achievement. I mean, one of the Bollywood films called “Three Idiots” said a very funny and relatable dialogue, “We are sad if our friends do not success but we are sadder if our friends are more successful,”
People of my age, out there, are struggling to face this difficulty as well, not only me, not only you. Some people have good luck, some people do not. Some people have access to travel around the world, some people have a hard time to even fulfill daily needs. Some people have a good career life, some people attend job fairs at every chance. Some people are getting married, some people are left behind for a creepy and lame excuse. Some people decide to leave a beloved country to fulfill their dreams, some people get hard permission to leave all the conformity she/he has. Everything is working in that way but for us, as a human has a large chance to improve our life's quality. The problem is just not all people successfully follow what they really want and get in this life.
I have not seen my future yet, I do not have an idea what would happen to me in two years, five years, 10 years? Will I still be an officer at work? Will I be able to go traveling again abroad? Will I be able to join the work camp again? Will I still cry over Tony’s death in Avengers? it is a joke, Pals. Will I be still alive because death is the closest thing upon us, isn't it? All those unanswered questions make me sick, somehow. I love hurting myself.
Last year, I made a commitment to myself that I have to love myself more by providing me time more, fewer worries attempting, minimalizing my time on Instagram (except Twitter because it gives me so many information, finds great mutual, and particularly gives me an entertainment), and allocating more time on reading something like novels, blogs, news, et cetera. The reasons why I want to leave Instagram the most is (though, I cannot be full on hiatus on it. I attempt to leave any sooner) is because it is a platform to show off (Actually it depends on the individual's mindset and the way we are operating it). It gives us, me actually, the anxiety of not feeling better than my friends' achievements that they show on Instagram. I read a good tweet a few days ago on Twitter that stated how Instagram can reduce all our happiness in a glance. Let me picture this: We are about to go to Bali in upcoming weeks, then we see our friend’s post that she/he will go traveling to Japan. All of a sudden, our excitement regarding our trip is vanishing. Why? Our humane side has a feeling of jealousy and tends to compare ourselves to others which (I already stated before) is not healthy. This feeling hits us, as a young adult in specific, really hard as we have a big ego.
One of the articles on The Jakarta Post posted in June (Title: Social Media linked to poor mental health in Indonesia, research finds) stated, "Social media highlighted the country’s high level of inequality, creating envy, and feeling resentment,”. In addition, Global Development Institute Researcher, Gindo Tampubolon said, “We would like to see public health officials think creatively about how to take a break from social media, or to be aware of the negative consequences it can have on mental health.” See?
We also love being someone that society sees is good, not someone who really wants to be. Society thinks working in a good company is more prestigious than having a small business. Society thinks a woman who marries a rich man is much better than a working woman. Society thinks an independent woman is intimidating (Is carrying a gallon by myself considered as independent?) Society thinks that women in their 20s should marry or they will be called “nggak laku” (not sure what it is in English, perhaps, not getting interested by men?). Society thinks people with bright skin and good posture is more interesting. The lists go on and on, endlessly. The combination of feeling anxiety and the pressure from society is a major source of unhappiness. No wonder, you can see many communities that are engaged with depression are all over on Instagram right now. Why? Because society is toxic and has a tendency to control our lives. That is not how things work, Buds. And of course, Instagram makes it worse. Read this quote that I found in my new book, “If you live according to what others think, you will never be rich” Seneca (Letters).
[In a wave of immediate anger. Take a deep breath, breath in, breath out]
All those feelings, somehow, changes as fast as Quick Silver’s speed when I am on motorcycle, seeing many people on their sweats after working, people who are preparing to sell foods, man in the middle of road guiding a traffic and he gets a coin, a granny (who is supposed to take rest and enjoy her time at home) who is still willingly to sell fruits, children who help their parents to sell food supplies, et cetera. Somehow, I read news about the injustice that occurs, the massacres in Palestine, Sudan, Syria, I feel really sad and ungrateful. My inner heart says “Look at the people over there, Dumbass, there many people who are suffering more than you. You get a job, no money problem, free bird, good health, good friends. Be thankful," Still remember Razan Al Najjar? I cried hearing her news that time, she is the definition of "Angelic woman". Imagine, there is a woman who sacrificed herself to help others while there is a girl who cries over herself because she feels miserable because she thinks her life sucks? Just, how bad I am.
Cannot you see it? My moods are so dynamic, I can be mad in a minute then get emotional in a minute later. It is safe to describe my life as floating because I step on the middle zone of two different feelings in no between. Yeah, that is me at twenty something. Moods are going up and down, feeling loneliness although, in reality, I have friends who always are ready to listen to my blabbering or parents who always call me to make sure I am OK. I am learning something that it is normal to feel that way because we are basically a human. We have the brain, heart, and senses to notice everything nearby. We do not feel bad to have jealousy on others because we high key want to feel better than the others. It is called basic human, my friends. After all, we always learn something after getting bad things, right? That is how we call experience and growing. My new mantra, ”God is not in a hurry. You are. It’s why you’re tired. It’s why you’re anxious, stressed, and disappointed. Trust that what was meant to yours, will be yours. Unrush yourself.”
It’s Ok. Sometimes I pat myself and ensure that I am doing good in this life. I can accept the reality of who I am, but it is just sometimes I feel I let my parents down. They once said they were proud of me, but I still think it was not enough. I could do so much better in my life. I am sorry, Mum and Dad. I am not a good kid.
[Spotify
plays on shuffle]
Hey, Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for
You can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me
…………………………………
