A Soliloquy : Social Issue

REACHING AN AGE OF TWENTY SOMETHING

I do not know exactly how to define this golden age (Do people tend to say this, right?). I never thought for once this age would be a really mixed feeling, among happiness, sadness, loss, depression, and confusion. People are right when they say they have a mental breakdown and face a quarter life crisis phase at this age, in which I am today. According to Thorspecken (2005:121), the quarter life crisis is a period of stress, instability, and major life change. It happens when many young adults feel doubt about their future and feel like they are being trapped in their life choice. I do, people, I do.

It started when I graduated from college as a transformation between a silly teen to early adult becoming. A phase when I was still dependent on my parents to become a fully independent adult is not easy, especially when I just started off my career. I faced confusion, identity, frustration with the relationships (Let me broaden the word of relationship. I talk about the relationship in general, not specific in love terms, including a relationship with The Mighty God) and career, disappointment over something, insecurity towards the future. I was still thinking of “Do I really want this?”, “I could do better”, “I am in a mess”, “I am the worst” to “I hate myself”. It leads to creating self-blaming in me which is not a very good thing. Has this feeling disappeared yet? Of course not, until now, it is still lingering on me.

Last month on my birthday, I contemplated deeply about who I really am, and what I have done for the past years. All those thoughts about me could have been better if I did more is stressing me out. It got worse when I logged on Instagram, saw my friends' posts and IG story of them receiving a scholarship, traveling abroad, marrying, and having a good career while I was still struggling to even understand myself. It is unfair, my friends. Perhaps, it is enough reason for me to slowly leave Instagram for a better life (let me not exaggerate by saying “constantly leaving”. Going to return to share information which should be shared only). Living with jealousy is not healthy, and I do not want to suffer more.

This month is Eid, of course, we can not leave Eid without a killer question that I am religiously sure you all already knew without me mentioning it. Those people are not wrong though, we are. We are at fault if we think they are rude to ask that. It is just us who can not answer their question smartly in a sarcastic way. Pointed at myself, that’s me.

Every time I lay on my bed after working (Technically before taking a bath, stretching out my body for a second), I always think, literally I feel overly over thinking and let me not say about random stuff that pops out all of a sudden on my empty brain. I start questioning my purpose of life (when will I die; what happens to me after death? Is Julio's thought about nihilism would happen? *Julio is my Spanish friend who is willing to tell me about nihilism that I thought it does not make sense at all; Will I be in heaven after dying or my sins would drag me to hell?; Does God hate me because I create sins that much?). In a blink of an eye, my mind changes to “Why do my friends are so great? While me being a useless girl that whines too much on life because everything I do is creating a failure? Why am I this dumb? I could do better in life” et cetera, et cetera. Before it gets worse, I usually do something like watching a movie, listening to a podcast, listening to Islamic speech, or reading a blog/book. Currently, I am reading a book called “Filosofi Teras” by Henry Manampiring. Before, I finished a book by Isyana Artharini called “I am My Own Home” that mostly talked about a life crisis. I also read blogs from three different persons whom I adore, they write their own versions of being in twenty-something. Particularly, there are tonnes of people who proclaim this, not surprised though.

I hate being compared but I love doing something comparable between myself and my friends (Chef Renata's voice: That is not nice). I still remember when I was a kid, my parents tended to compare me with my cousins or friends at the same age. I hate it, right? But why do now I do this again? It is really hard to not say that we are happy with our friends’ achievement. I mean, one of the Bollywood films called “Three Idiots” said a very funny and relatable dialogue, “We are sad if our friends do not success but we are sadder if our friends are more successful,”

People of my age, out there, are struggling to face this difficulty as well, not only me, not only you. Some people have good luck, some people do not. Some people have access to travel around the world, some people have a hard time to even fulfill daily needs. Some people have a good career life, some people attend job fairs at every chance. Some people are getting married, some people are left behind for a creepy and lame excuse. Some people decide to leave a beloved country to fulfill their dreams, some people get hard permission to leave all the conformity she/he has. Everything is working in that way but for us, as a human has a large chance to improve our life's quality. The problem is just not all people successfully follow what they really want and get in this life.

I have not seen my future yet, I do not have an idea what would happen to me in two years, five years, 10 years? Will I still be an officer at work? Will I be able to go traveling again abroad? Will I be able to join the work camp again? Will I still cry over Tony’s death in Avengers? it is a joke, Pals. Will I be still alive because death is the closest thing upon us, isn't it? All those unanswered questions make me sick, somehow. I love hurting myself.

Last year, I made a commitment to myself that I have to love myself more by providing me time more, fewer worries attempting, minimalizing my time on Instagram (except Twitter because it gives me so many information, finds great mutual, and particularly gives me an entertainment), and allocating more time on reading something like novels, blogs, news, et cetera. The reasons why I want to leave Instagram the most is (though, I cannot be full on hiatus on it. I attempt to leave any sooner) is because it is a platform to show off (Actually it depends on the individual's mindset and the way we are operating it). It gives us, me actually, the anxiety of not feeling better than my friends' achievements that they show on Instagram. I read a good tweet a few days ago on Twitter that stated how Instagram can reduce all our happiness in a glance. Let me picture this: We are about to go to Bali in upcoming weeks, then we see our friend’s post that she/he will go traveling to Japan. All of a sudden, our excitement regarding our trip is vanishing. Why? Our humane side has a feeling of jealousy and tends to compare ourselves to others which (I already stated before) is not healthy. This feeling hits us, as a young adult in specific, really hard as we have a big ego.

One of the articles on The Jakarta Post posted in June (Title: Social Media linked to poor mental health in Indonesia, research finds) stated, "Social media highlighted the country’s high level of inequality, creating envy, and feeling resentment,”. In addition, Global Development Institute Researcher, Gindo Tampubolon said, “We would like to see public health officials think creatively about how to take a break from social media, or to be aware of the negative consequences it can have on mental health.” See?

We also love being someone that society sees is good, not someone who really wants to be. Society thinks working in a good company is more prestigious than having a small business. Society thinks a woman who marries a rich man is much better than a working woman. Society thinks an independent woman is intimidating (Is carrying a gallon by myself considered as independent?) Society thinks that women in their 20s should marry or they will be called “nggak laku” (not sure what it is in English, perhaps, not getting interested by men?). Society thinks people with bright skin and good posture is more interesting. The lists go on and on, endlessly. The combination of feeling anxiety and the pressure from society is a major source of unhappiness. No wonder, you can see many communities that are engaged with depression are all over on Instagram right now. Why? Because society is toxic and has a tendency to control our lives. That is not how things work, Buds. And of course, Instagram makes it worse. Read this quote that I found in my new book, “If you live according to what others think, you will never be rich” Seneca (Letters).

[In a wave of immediate anger. Take a deep breath, breath in, breath out]

All those feelings, somehow, changes as fast as Quick Silver’s speed when I am on motorcycle, seeing many people on their sweats after working, people who are preparing to sell foods, man in the middle of road guiding a traffic and he gets a coin, a granny (who is supposed to take rest and enjoy her time at home) who is still willingly to sell fruits, children who help their parents to sell food supplies, et cetera. Somehow, I read news about the injustice that occurs, the massacres in Palestine, Sudan, Syria, I feel really sad and ungrateful. My inner heart says “Look at the people over there, Dumbass, there many people who are suffering more than you. You get a job, no money problem, free bird, good health, good friends. Be thankful," Still remember Razan Al Najjar? I cried hearing her news that time, she is the definition of "Angelic woman". Imagine, there is a woman who sacrificed herself to help others while there is a girl who cries over herself because she feels miserable because she thinks her life sucks? Just, how bad I am.

Cannot you see it? My moods are so dynamic, I can be mad in a minute then get emotional in a minute later. It is safe to describe my life as floating because I step on the middle zone of two different feelings in no between. Yeah, that is me at twenty something. Moods are going up and down, feeling loneliness although, in reality, I have friends who always are ready to listen to my blabbering or parents who always call me to make sure I am OK. I am learning something that it is normal to feel that way because we are basically a human. We have the brain, heart, and senses to notice everything nearby. We do not feel bad to have jealousy on others because we high key want to feel better than the others. It is called basic human, my friends. After all, we always learn something after getting bad things, right? That is how we call experience and growing. My new mantra, ”God is not in a hurry. You are. It’s why you’re tired. It’s why you’re anxious, stressed, and disappointed. Trust that what was meant to yours, will be yours. Unrush yourself.”

It’s Ok. Sometimes I pat myself and ensure that I am doing good in this life. I can accept the reality of who I am, but it is just sometimes I feel I let my parents down. They once said they were proud of me, but I still think it was not enough. I could do so much better in my life. I am sorry, Mum and Dad. I am not a good kid.

[Spotify plays on shuffle]

Hey, Dad look at me

Think back and talk to me

Did I grow up according to plan?

And do you think I’m wasting my time

Doing things I want to do?

But it hurts when you disapproved all along

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud

I’m never gonna be good enough for

You can’t pretend that I’m alright

And you can’t change me

…………………………………

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MUSEUM – MUSEUM DI SURABAYA

Social Issue 06.31

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KPOP DAN BUNUH DIRI

Social Issue 06.31

Bukan sebuah rahasia lagi jika persaingan di dunia industri entertainment Korea bisa dibilang sangat gila. Bagaimana tidak, mereka harus tampil sempurna di setiap waktu, harus kelihatan cantik dan ganteng setiap saat, harus tersenyum dalam keadaan apapun. Untuk menjadi idol saja mereka harus mengikuti progam pelatihan/trainee sejak masa kanak-kanak. Untuk durasi, sebenarnya tergantung bakat dan luck. Contohnya Jihyo Twice yang menghabiskan masa pelatihan selama ± 10 tahun sedangkan Eunji A-Pink tak sampai setahun. Hal yang paling terburuk adalah tak ada jaminan bahwa setelah ikut trainee akan menjadi idol. Banyak faktor yang menyebabkan seseorang yang telah ikut trainee bertahun-tahun tapi gagal debut, di antaranya : Kemampuan si A dirasa kurang, tidak punya charming point, tak ada dana (biasanya untuk perusahaan kecil), dikeluarkan karena alasan tertentu. Ada juga yang berhasil debut tapi setelah itu dibubarkan/disband.

Menjadi idol di Korea Selatan dituntut untuk sempurna, bisa nyanyi, menari, akting, MC, dan lain-lain. Tidak semua bisa menyanyi bagus, biasanya mereka yang tidak bisa menyanyi harus punya talent lain yang mampu menopang ke-existence misal punya bakat di bidang variety show, MC, dll. Namun ada juga yang tidak bisa sama sekali, menyanyi, menari atau melakukan yang lain. Namun dia punya sisi charming yang membuat orang-orang suka. Misal Sana Twice. Dari segi menyanyi atau menari, bisa dibilang dia biasa saja namun karena dia cantik dan punya charming point, dia terkenal sekali bahkan sampai ada tagline “No Sana No Life”. Para idols juga dituntut untuk good looking, kalau tidak, siap-siap dibash sama Korean Netizen (Knetz).

Isu mengenai ketatnya persaingan di Kpop dan tingginya angka mental illness diantara para idols muncul ketika terdapat berita duka dari salah satu vokalis terbaik Kpop, Jonghyun SHINee. Seminggu lalu ia ditemukan menghirup gas beracun secara sengaja (bunuh diri) di apartemen yang disewa selama dua hari. Super kaget karena Jonghyun itu cheerful dan selalu terlihat bersemangat. I was in denial since who thought a bright person like Jonghyun decided to kill himself due to the depression and loneliness. Kabarnya dia merasa depresi berat dan kesepian. Dia merasa depresi karena tak bisa membuat musik yang bagus sehingga ia merasa kurang bertalenta. Di saat ia merasa depresi, tak ada teman-teman yang mendampingi padahal dia memberikan isyarat lewat IG story bahwa ia merasa kesepian. Tak sanggup lagi, ia memutuskan untuk mengakhiri hidupnya sendiri. Padahal nih ya, Jonghyun itu salah satu musisi berbakat di Kpop, lagu-lagu ciptannya juga banyak yang bagus, salah satunya Breathe yang dinyanyikan oleh Lee Hi.

Reaksi atas kematian Jonghyun beragama, dari yang ikut berduka sampai ada yang menyindir. Setelah kabar kematian itu, beberapa fans SHINee dikabarkan ikut bunuh diri, salah satunya dari Indonesia. Menurut saya ini konyol dan sangat berlebihan, I mean hidup bukan hanya sekadar tentang Kpop. Ada orang tua, sahabat, teman, saudara. Tidakkah kalian memikirkan mereka yang benar-benar nyata dalam kehidupan kalian? Sedih boleh tapi jangan berlebihan, Jonghyun juga pasti tidak suka melihat fansnya ikut bunuh diri. Ada beberapa Indonesian Netizen yang menyindir bahwa orang-orang peduli terhadap satu orang penyanyi yang melakukan bunuh diri ketimbang peduli dengan saudara-saudara di Palestina yang menjadi korban perang. Saya sebenarnya setuju bahwa kita orang Indonesia, terutama Muslim terkadang salah prioritas. Namun dengan melihat hype Kpop wave jadi saya juga agak maklum. Sisi positifnya adalah para fans SHINee yang disebut Shawol menjawab kritis itu dengan melakukan donasi atas nama Jonghyun untuk Orang Palestina. Great idea tapi semoga ini tidak berhenti sampai di sini saja dan untuk ke depan bisa melakukan penggalangan dana lagi. Terutama niatnya agar diluruskan untuk membantu teman-teman di Palestina, bukan hanya sekadar menjawab kritik.

Ada juga yang berkomentar seperti “Gitu aja bunuh diri. Bunuh diri kan dosa”. Hmmmmmm begini ya, semua orang tahu jika bunuh diri itu dosa, untuk orang beragama maupun tidak, semua tidak ada yang mau untuk bunuh diri. Bunuh diri itu sakit loh secara kalian harus mematikan organ di tubuh. Kita tidak pernah tahu seberat apa penderitaan seseorang. Kita mungkin tahu seseorang dari kulit luarnya saja, tanpa tahu apa masalah yang ada dalam pikirannya. Misalnya kasus Jonghyun ya dengan masalah yang kita tahu ia hadapi adalah masalah musik dan kesepian, tapi apakah hanya itu masalahnya? Dan ketika kita berada pada posisi Jonghyun, apakah kita bisa kuat dan tidak bunuh diri? Kita tidak ada yang tahu. Bukan berarti saya setuju dengan bunuh diri, saya tak pernah setuju namun jika ada kabar bunuh diri, alangkah baiknya jika kita ikut berduka dan menganggapnya sebagai pelajaran, bukan malah menjelek-jelekkan. Cukup Sang Pemilik Dunia yang boleh menghakimi hambanya, bukan kita.

Jonghyun selama ini sangat jago dalam menyembunyikan kesedihan di publik. Coba lihat aktivitas SHINee, dia tak pernah terlihat sedih. Dia selalu ceria. Mungkin ini adalah sebuah pelajaran bahwa seseorang yang terlihat ceria terkadang dalam hatinya tidak seceria itu. Bisa juga ia menyembunyikan kesedihan dengan pura-pura terlihat bahagia.

Tak hanya Jonghyun, ada beberapa artist Kpop yang memutuskan untuk bunuh diri, seperti Lee Eun Joo, Park Yong Ha, Jang Ja Yeon, Sojin, dll. Berdasarkan beberapa sumber, penyebab depresi yang menyebabkan bunuh diri di antaranya :

1. Menjadi budak kontrak kerja

2. Pelecehan

3. Antis yang mungkin bisa membunuh

4. Sasaeng/penggemar kelewat gila

5. Super sibuk

6. Diet gila-gilaan

7. Harus selalu tampil sempurna

8. Tekanan publik

Sebenarnya saya ingin menceritakan sisi gelap dunia industri Korea tapi saya sendiri tidak sanggup. Cukup ini saja informasi yang bisa saya berikan. Dan kita tetap bersyukur dengan hidup kita sekarang dan jangan lupa selalu menyakan kabar terhadap orang-orang di sekitarmu. Ada satu quote sedih dari kematian Jonghyun kemarin bahwa “Melakukan bunuh diri bukanlah untuk mengakhiri hidup, tapi untuk mengakhiri penderitaan” ;( Rest in Peace Jonghyun.

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HUMANITY IS DEAD IN A DITCH

Social Issue 08.09

Semakin hari, manusia bersikap layaknya bukan manusia. Fisik nya berbentuk manusia sempurna, tapi otak dan hatinya bahkan lebih ganas dari binatang. Mungkin kata “Kemanusiaan” bisa diganti menjadi “Kesetanan”. Jujur saya speechless melihat kondisi Muslim Rohingya. Mereka seperti tak punya hak hidup hanya karena mereka terlahir dan memilih sebagai Muslim. Memangnya siapa kita berhak membunuh manusia lain? Apakah kita bertindak layaknya penguasa? Bahkan kita tidak memiliki secuil benda pun di sini karena kita hanya numpang di bumi. Penumpang kok bertindak kayak owner? (Side eyeing Myanmar government).

Mau marah tapi bingung harus dilampiaskan ke siapa. Kecewa terhadap Muslim di Indonesia. Mereka sekarang lebih sibuk bertengkar dengan sesama Muslim. Yang wahabi lah, yang NU lah, dan blabla. To be honest, saya nggak peduli tentang hal itu. As long as kita menyembah Tuhan yang sama dan menjalankan perintah-Nya, sudah cukup dan tidak perlu diperdebatkan. Kenapa harus hype up sesuatu yang tidak perlu dibesar-besarkan? @ Muslim Indonesia. Kenapa kita tidak menghype up isu-isu agama yang jauh jauh jauh lebih penting dan perlu untuk dimasifkan? Why? Priority, people.

Sudah cukup konflik yang terjadi antara Israel-Paletina. Atau konflik memalukan yang terjadi di antara Muslim sendiri yang terjadi di Suriah dan baru-baru ini, konflik Qatar dengan negara-negara Arab? Just why? Kenapa harus saling menjatuhkan sesama Muslim instead of membantu kaum Muslimin yang jelas-jelas butuh bantuan???????????

ISIS juga kalau mau bohong ya pinter dikit kenapa. Katanya so-called Islamic State, ingin membangun kekhalifahan, mana ada khalifah yang membiarkan rakyat Muslim sengsara? Kenapa sibuk membunuh orang-orang non-Muslim yang tak bersalah instead of membela Muslim Rohingya atau Kaum Palestina? Kenapa? Bodohnya orang-orang Barat percaya begitu saja. Think people! You have a brain, do USE it! Logika dong, kenapa ISIS nggak terlihat sama sekali membantu kaum Muslimin yang sedang dilanda konflik? Malah mereka asyik memproklamirkan diri sebagai penyebab terorisme di berbagai negara? Like????????

Anyway, kembali ke topik tentang kemanusiaan. Zaman sekarang di mana orang-orang dengan mudahnya melenyapkan nyawa orang lain hanya karena kekuasaan, uang, cinta….. Era dimana membunuh manusia seperti membunuh hewan. Era dimana konflik seakan-akan bisa diselesaikan dengan melenyapkan orang lain. Era dimana membunuh terlihat seperti perbuatan yang biasa dilakukan, tidak dianggap sebagai dosa besar.

Humanity is defined as all human beings collectively (source www.dictionary.com). Maknanya bagus tapi sayangnya itu hanya wacana. ALL HUMAN sekarang diganti dengan ras, agama, dan lain-lain. Tidak ada unsur kesatuan, hanya ada sekelompok-sekelompok yang dengan bangganya berlaku sewenang-wenang terhadap orang lain hanya karena faktor agama atau ras. I mean ;( Saya melihat nggak ada unsur kemanusiaan di era sekarang. Humanity used to be existed but it’s now dead in a ditch. Seperti selokan, humanity itu sangat mudah terlihat tapi orang-orang seakan-akan tidak mau melihat sehingga mereka hanya lewat dan damn, sudah.

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